


Lessons in Childhood

by AParticularlyLargeBear



Series: Lessons [5]
Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 17:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8218535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AParticularlyLargeBear/pseuds/AParticularlyLargeBear
Summary: Kjelle doesn't know how to be a daughter. Not to this woman.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Oops this wound up being sadder than I meant.

Kjelle's parents weren't the same people she'd left behind in the future.

That should have gone without saying; they were younger,  _way_ younger, and history was different here. They hadn't spent years fighting through hellish wars and struggling for survival, and they hadn't even had their children yet. In all ways, except all the ones that mattered, they weren't the same.

But Kjelle still found herself having to adjust to the differences.

Sully was 'mother' and occasionally 'ma'am'. That was familiar. What wasn't was her demeanour, the way she treated Kjelle like competition. In Kjelle's home, Sully had always seemed to be concerned for her safety, steering her away from danger. They'd lived in a dangerous world. She'd also discouraged Kjelle from some pursuits - like riding, that this Sully, the younger one, didn't seem to care about at all. Maybe it was the age gap, or lack thereof. Training together... it felt so painfully like before, when her mother had taught her to fight. This Sully wasn't as experienced, but she was faster, and she sure as hells didn't pull her punches, to the extent that Kjelle, rising wincing and bruised in the morning, had to wonder how easily her mother had been going on her, back then.

She sure didn't act that maternal, but that was nothing new. In many ways it was comforting.

Her other mom, though... Kjelle barely knew where she stood with her. The Eddi from her own time had still been the tactician of the Shepherds, but she had been a distinctly different woman to the person from the past. That Eddi was harsh and hard as a flint, a ruthless strategist who had gone to every length to secure victory. She'd needed to, to stand a chance against the Valmese juggernaut, to even slow them down, and more than once Kjelle had read between the lines of hushed conversations and known that people had died on Eddi's watch. She'd, on rare occasions, had time for Kjelle and her younger brother, but such glimmers of warmth had always been few and far between. Soon enough Chrom had summoned her, or she'd had one meeting or another to attend to. Sometimes she'd played chess with them, and Kjelle had spent weeks preserving the exact state of a board, protecting it whilst pieces gathered dust until Eddi could return and resume where they left off.

Kjelle never won any of their games.

And then Eddi had died. When Grima returned. When the world ended, and their desperate struggle for survival began. Eddi, and Chrom, they were the first casualties.

Kjelle never even saw her body.

This Eddi wasn't the same. 

She stuttered, she doubted, she lacked for confidence. When she wasn't stammering, she was free with her smiles, cheerful and optimistic, at least up until her face clouded over from some unspoken thought. Socially and interpersonally, she barely navigated swapping a few words before withdrawing, going all quiet. It reminded Kjelle of Noire, it was that bad. (Kjelle missed Noire, even if she wouldn't admit it out loud. She hoped that they found her soon). Eesh, what with Sully's bluntness and Eddi's anxiety, it was no wonder that Kjelle had never been great around other people.

Actually, Kjelle had found herself getting kind of irritated at first. Her mom had never been deeply affectionate, but she'd always been  _strong_. This younger version of her mom wasn't. She sparred with other Shepherds and lost most of her bouts, she didn't ride, wasn't bulky enough to wear any but the lightest armour... She didn't even use her magic, and Kjelle knew full well that Eddi was a powerful Anima mage, far exceeding her own sputtering efforts at wielding tomes. It was infuriating. Kjelle had hoped -  just as all her friends had, to get a chance to spend more time with her parents,  _any_ version of her parents. A foolish part of her had even held out the hope that she could maybe get the opportunity to have some of that... closeness that she'd never been afforded in the past.

This was... well, Kjelle didn't even know.

 "Kjelle! Pay some attention, would you?"

Kjelle started, head snapping up and across to look dead into a Severa glare. "Huh?"

"Ugh, you're clueless!" Severa grumbled. "You've been polishing that same piece of armour for like, twenty minutes!" 

"Oh," Kjelle looked down at the plate mail laid on the table in front of her. It was shimmering. "Oops."

"'Oops?' That's all you've got to say? I don't want to be here all day, Kjelle!"

"It's not a big deal, Severa. Just armoury duty."

Severa made a disgusted noise and with a scowl, bundled up an armful of scabbarded swords to return to their places. "Well  _some_ of us have better things to do."

Kjelle watched her go, and then shook her head, moving on to the next breastplate. Severa probably wasn't the best person to bring up her parents with. That was kind of a touchy subject for the other girl, even moreso than for all the rest of them. Times like this, Kjelle really did wish she had more of a knack for words, could think of how to properly vocalise how she was feeling. And Kjelle hated talking about feelings, too, but she needed this off her chest with... someone. Second problem was who the hells  _was_ there to talk to? She'd have more luck with a brick wall than Gerome, Laurent would be like talking to a textbook, the very idea of trying to discuss emotions with Owain was ridiculous, and Severa would just get pissed off. That basically only left Lucina, and Lucina was a leadership figure, not a 'support my insecurity' figure. She had her own crap to deal with.

Kjelle wished Morgan were here. They didn't always have much in common; he was a lot more gregarious, always upbeat, didn't really like fighting or training, although he had a better head for strategy, but he  _was_ her little brother. He knew how things were between them and their parents. She'd be able to talk it through with him - although he'd probably have some kind of annoyingly optimistic comment to make, which would nevertheless still somehow make Kjelle feel better. Morgan had a knack for that; had to be a little brother thing.

But he was nowhere to be found, just like the majority of the rest of their friends from back home. Sometimes, in darker moments, Kjelle wondered if they'd even all made it to the past. Being sent back here by Naga... it was a desperate gamble, the last throw of the dice by the inhabitants of a doomed world, a doomed timeline. They'd been separated from one another, landing years and months and continents apart, and there were no guarantees that they'd even all made it, if they were even still alive. Kjelle could have been killed had the Shepherds not intervened when they did, saving her from being stabbed in the back by a dishonourable dastard. What was to say that nobody else had got into any trouble? Kjelle thought about Brady - no fighter, goodhearted as he was, or Yarne - who panicked at the sight of the battlefield - getting themselves into trouble and felt sick. Kjelle had been in the past for the better part of two years, Lucina closer to three, Laurent perhaps five or more; how long could any of them survive on their own? 

Morgan could handle himself, of course he could, but Kjelle couldn't help the anxiety that gnawed away at her when she thought about his safety. He was her kid brother; it was her job to look after him. 

"Kjelle! Ylisse to Kjelle!"

Kjelle withheld a sigh (on pain of death) and looked back to Severa. "Yeah?"

Severa scowled. "It isn't like you to have your head in the clouds. Can you pull it down already?" Kjelle opened her mouth, but Severa cut across her. "You know what? Forget it. I'm almost done and you're just slowing me down. Just... ugh, go hit some dummies or something until you start acting like  _normal_ Kjelle again. Gawd, how did I end up _missing_ you being a boor?"

As per usual for Severa, that last was stated not-quite-quietly enough to actually be under her breath, Kjelle flushed. What was Severa's problem!? Sorry that Kjelle was distracted - she hadn't been aware that  _thinking_ was some kind of cardinal sin.

She bit down on the outburst which was threatening to escape. She couldn't be bothered to argue right now. "Sure. Whatever."

Turning around, she walked right out of the armoury, stopping only to collect her lance.

* * *

The first person Kjelle saw was the last person she wanted to.

"Hi Kjelle."

"Hey, mom."

Eddi's face  _had_ been lit up with enthusiasm. It fell when confronted with Kjelle's lack thereof.

Honestly it was still weird seeing the younger version of her mother. Kjelle may have taken after Sully in size and strength, but she took after Eddi in looks. Same blonde hair, same freckles, same slender jaw, same cheekbones. They could have been sisters.

"What have you been up to?" Eddi smiled. It looked foreign and strange.

"Just armoury duty. Was going to go train."

"Ah! Of course," she folded her arms across her abdomen, leaning slightly to one side. Kjelle's stomach lurched. Morgan did that all the time. "Would you mind some company?"

Kjelle hesitated. Training was always better with a partner, even if they couldn't usually keep up with her. On the other hand, it was her mom. Not her mom. Ugh. "Yeah, okay."

 "Great!" Eddi fell into step with her, swinging her arms, limbering up. "What were you thinking of doing?"

"Spar. If you're up for it," Kjelle gave her mother a careful look, trying to gauge her reaction.

She smiled.  _Again_. "Well, I'm not nearly as good as your other mom, but I'll do my best to give you a challenge."

That stopped Kjelle dead for a moment. What? Eddi had  _hated_ sparring, back in the future, called it a waste of time, of energy best spent in real battle. Kjelle had expected reluctance at the very least, not cheerful assent. She had to shake herself into motion again, catching up quickly with the longer stride. "I didn't think you liked sparring."

Eddi blinked. Or at least, Kjelle thought she did. Her eyes always seemed to be mostly closed. "I suppose you mean the future me," she didn't phrase it as a question. "I don't know. I can't speak for myself in twenty years' time, but practice is very important."

"My mother, she..." Kjelle groped for words "-She didn't like using tomes outside of battle. Said they were too valuable to use in practice."

"Oh, I see," the smile slid off again. "It's a valid point. Tomes are focii, especially for anima magic. My understanding is that the future had a very long war; if resources began to run short, tomes would be the first thing I restricted the use of."

Kjelle swallowed. There it was. Almost the exact rationale her mother had given. Eddi had come to the same conclusion in moments. How could they be so  _alike_ and yet so many worlds apart? "We're at war now."

"True, but the Shepherds are well funded and our armouries are full." Eddi spread her hands. "Regardless, I don't use tomes."

Kjelle clenched her jaw. That, she was well aware of. "Why?" the question burst free almost before she knew she was asking it. Immediately she tensed. Her mom had never stood for being questioned.

Eddi didn't snap. She didn't even frown. She just looked down at her feet, and Kjelle hated it. "Anima unsettles me."

She'd heard of people being uncomfortable with dark magic; with excellent reason, from their future, but never Anima. Never her mother. "It's just a weapon. I'd use it, if I ever had a teacher," Kjelle didn't bother biting off the resentment.

Eddi tipped her head to the side. "Nobody taught you?"

"Only a little," admitted Kjelle. "You never had time to show me more than the basics, and Laurent and Morgan outstripped me so fast that I'd have been holding them back to take the same classes," for Morgan to overtake her had been frustrating, but Kjelle had managed to push it down. Her brother was far too earnest to ever be mad at for long.

"Oh," Eddi said, quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Wasn't you," Kjelle shrugged.

"Yeah," Eddi looked down again. Kjelle wanted to grab her and shake her, demand to know where the hells her confidence was. She was supposed to be bold, imperious, brook no disagreement from anyone.

Kjelle saw her mother and saw a stranger.

No further words passed between them before they arrived at the fenced-in area of dirt that compromised the sparring ring. A set of dummies were arrayed against the left side of the area, and just outside of it, alongside a well-worn track, were several quintains. No riders running tilts at those, though, and nobody present in the so-called 'arena'. They were entirely alone.

There was a dull  _whump_ as Eddi's coat landed atop one of the fenceposts. Kjelle glanced around, frustration and anxiety momentarily replaced by curiosity. She didn't think she'd seen her mother without that particularly Plegian coat since... well... ever.

Beneath, she was barely armoured, a padded gambeson the only concession to protection. Without the overcoat swallowing her up and masking her physique she looked even smaller, even more slight. She looked like Kjelle could knock her down with a hard shove.

"All right. Ready when you are," Eddi walked up to the fence, placed a hand on it, and then vaulted it in one easy motion. 

Kjelle blinked. That was more deft than she'd expected, and definitely not something she could replicate, wearing her own mail. Even without the heavy shoulderplates, Kjelle's armour weighed a ton. She stepped through the gates, hefting her lance and studying Eddi carefully. Her mother looked strangely relaxed, leaning on the handle of the long-hafted axe she'd been carrying across her back.

That was... new. The weapon, and the calmness.

Kjelle raised her lance up and nodded.

Eddi half-smiled.

She moved so fast that Kjelle just barely got her buckler up in time. There was a ringing clash of metal on metal, and the impact reverberated up her arm with bone-jarring force. Kjelle hissed in pain, backing up quickly, narrowly avoiding Eddi's follow through.

Naga, where the hells did that come from!?

Kjelle scrambled to counterattack. Eddi wasn't there anymore. She swung around to the left, lashing the lance through the air with a _whoosh_. Eddi went underneath, rose up, and a sharp clang echoed across the yard as Kjelle was struck firmly between the shoulderblades, sending her stumbling.

Ugh! She was _Yarne_ fast!

Resetting her footing, Kjelle calmed herself, refocused. Okay, so Eddi was quick. That was fine. Kjelle could deal with quick; she'd been taught by quick. 

Eddi lunged overhead, Kjelle stepped inward and didn't so much block as muscle Eddi's arm out, barging forward and bodychecking her. She went down hard, but before Kjelle could even bring her lance back to bear, Eddi had already scrambled up and aside. Whoa. She took hits a lot better than her size gave her credit for.

Still, Kjelle had gained an advantage, and she had no intention of letting up on it. She pressed, and pressed again, aggressively moving forward, harrying Eddi with her weapon's range. Try as she may, though, Kjelle couldn't land a clean hit, only scoring a couple of glancing blows that barely slowed her opponent down. She fought like Sully, almost, but less aggressive and more cerebral. More  _frustrating_ , definitely. Why the hells wouldn't she stop moving? How was she not tired?

Blinking sweat from her eyes, Kjelle took a deep breath, ragged.  _She_ was definitely tired. Okay, okay, she had to make a move.

Kjelle feinted right. Eddi went for it. Kjelle lunged for what would surely be the winning blow-

And with a crash, was suddenly sprawled out on her back, gasping for air.

What the... what just happened?

She tried to rise, and a boot pinned her shoulder back to the floor. Eddi looked down on her.

Kjelle glowered. "I yield," she spat.

Eddi's face, in the instant before she moved back, crumpled.

Ignoring the outstretched hand of her mother, Kjelle hauled herself to her feet, attempting to swallow down her anger. It was just a sparring match, she shouldn't get mad, she shouldn't- How the hells had Eddi done that!? She'd bought the feint, she'd  _bought_ it. Nobody could make that kind of recovery that quickly. Nobody was  _that_ good!

Eddi was watching her as she dusted herself off, leaning down to pick up her lance.

"That was one of Sully's moves. I've seen it before."

Kjelle said nothing. Great. 

"You don't like me very much, do you?"

She phrased it as a question, but it wasn't. Kjelle looked away, stone-faced. She didn't dislike her mother. This familiar stranger wasn't her mother.

A soft sigh. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not what you expected."

Kjelle laughed, a short bark without humour. "You're just... you aren't the same person I knew back home, mom. My other mother is different, sure, but she's still  _her._ You're..." she shook her head. "I don't understand how you could have changed so much from now."

"I... I see," Eddi seemed about to look down for a moment, but then didn't. She met Kjelle's eyes. "What I know... what I know about myself, now or twenty or forty years from now, is that no matter what, I protect the people that matter to me. That's the Shepherds. My family," she studied her gloved hands, eyes lingering on the spot Kjelle knew bore the mark of Grima. "If I had to change to do that, if I had to become..." she swallowed. "Ruthless and cold, then... then that's what I would have done."

A pool of ice opened in the depths of Kjelle's stomach. That couldn't be true. She didn't want it to be true.

Because it meant that, tough as her mother was, as calculated and brilliant and callous and pragmatic and clever, she'd...

She'd given up smiling, and optimism, closeness with her loved ones...

And she'd done that try and save them, for the sake of victory.

And... it hadn't worked.

Kjelle's vision blurred, and she choked down a sob.

"Kjelle? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she clenched her jaw, squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm fine."

"Kjelle..." there was a delicate touch on either shoulder. "I know I can't replace your mother, but I'm here for you."

"Sh...shut up."

The touch dropped away. 

By the time Kjelle opened her eyes again, Eddi was gone.


End file.
